Making marriage work in the twenty-first century.

There is lots of press now about gay and lesbian couples marrying, but not about some of those couples breaking up instead. The availability of marriage as an option in California and Massachusetts is forcing many couples to confront their individual expectations about commitment as never before. As I have heard from a number of my gay and lesbian friends, some are finding that those expectations do not match. Painful as this process may be for those couples, it may be for the best.

But there is a bigger lesson to be learned here. If we are to decode social gender roles and eliminate their unfair limitations on individual potential, we can’t just make changes in the workplace and schools. We have to change the rules in marriage and relationships.

Gay marriage is an unprecedented opportunity to help us do this. The religious right has this all wrong. Gay marriage does not threaten heterosexual marriage, it will strengthen it. Many gay and lesbian couples are creating committed, mutually satisfying relationships without all of the Mars/Venus gender stereotypes that have defined heterosexual marriage for hundreds of years.

Gay and lesbian couples will be taking on a lot of heartache in this process, but what they learn will help all of us transform marriage in a way that will make it work for more couples in the twenty-first century and beyond. This change will hasten the emergence of matrocracy and help more heterosexual couples bond and stay together as gender equality becomes reality.